just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it đ
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing âHappy Birthdayâ to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, âWhy didnât you sing along?!?â I responded, âI donât know him. I donât give a shit if he has a happy birthday.â
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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