Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Randomize
