I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
