A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
