The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Randomize
