Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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