you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Just invented taco cereal.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Randomize
