pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Ladies don't puke and tell
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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