First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
