I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
