PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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