I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I just gift wrapped bread.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
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