I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
