I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
