I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I know her cup size but not her name....
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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