I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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