Will you blow on my dice?
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
