thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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