its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
