I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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