hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize