our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Randomize
