They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
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