New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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