i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
