i permit you to call me
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
