Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Randomize
