Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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