I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Randomize
