the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Randomize
