i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
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