in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
She's the barista slut.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
