remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
