I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Randomize
