theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
