So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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