I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
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She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
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You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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