Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
