On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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