and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
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