Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
