I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Randomize
