I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.