I'm laying in your front yard are you home
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
