i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
