I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Randomize
