So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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