I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
