I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
