my phone needs a breathalizer
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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