We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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