you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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