conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
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