I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
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