He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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