I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
