if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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