"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty