I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
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Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
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I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.