I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I lost the right to judge tonight
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Randomize
