I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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