i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
