'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
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