I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
