Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Randomize
